my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
