Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
