I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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