Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
