Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
