I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
