I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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