i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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