You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
