I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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