The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
