Just fell off a train. Bad.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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