apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
