she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
