weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
