This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
