My brain says no but my pants say off.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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