I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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