My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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