dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
