I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
