TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
