I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
