Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
