He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
