I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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