I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
