I met the friendliest cop last night
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
