I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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