Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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