she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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