Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
