Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
