does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
