I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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