We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
