I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
