I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
