a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
