Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
