good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
