I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
