I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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