im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
