There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
