u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
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THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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