so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
