Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
