i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
