JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
