Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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