i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
