I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
